Funny quotes about tan
Katt Williams quotesGas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."
Marc Maron quotesI'm afraid of the guy judging me because I don't want him to think I'm some sort of a freaky pervert. So now when I rent porn, I'll actually get a 'Dirty Debutantes' and 'Citizen Kane.' He knows I'm a masturbating loser, but I'm a sophisticated masturbating loser.
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
I'm not a racist. It's really case by case; it's not ethnicity specific. It's just the way I react to things that are different. I think that's normal. Everyone's nervous when they're confronted with things that they don't understand or are different. That's a normal human reaction. It doesn't become racist 'til you say things like, 'Oh, there's a lot of them.'
Amy Schumer quotesI made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'
Doug Stanhope quotesAre there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
I don't like when minorities tell me that I can't understand racism because I'm white. I go: "No, you can't understand racism 'cause you're not white; I hear the shit they say about you when you leave the room! They don't hold back on my account."
Ted Alexandro quotesRappers misspell things from time to time, just for fun. They'll use a 'Z' instead of an 'S,' a 'Y' instead of an 'I.' If I was an accountant, I would do that with numbers. I'd be like, 'Yo, here's your check. I used a 1 instead of a 5. Just keepin' it real. Don't wanna embezzle, my nezzle.'
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
Bo Burnham quotes
Michael Ian Black quotesWhat you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
Whitney Cummings quotesLadies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.
Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.
Dov Davidoff quotesWe were standing next to this guy with a bandana and a tattooed teardrop and a knife, and I said to my friend, 'I don't want to hang out here.' My friend said, 'Don't judge people.' I said, 'The dude's got a knife.' He said, 'He could be a chef.'
