Best short quotes

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good -- stop.'

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "guns"? Congressional hearing. "Oh, my God, that nigger said gun, and he rhymed it with fun"!

Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

Just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle. Now you're a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.