Best short quotes

Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I guess the lesson to be learned from the [Catholic] church is that while homosexuality is a sin against GOD, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.