Best short quotes

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".

How the hell do you wake up dead?

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.