Best short quotes

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night

I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.