Best short quotes

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

He comes back with the script, and it's racist like a 1940's Newspaper.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

Ain't noone ever overdosed on weed. You might think that nigga is dead, but he ain't dead. He's gonna wake up in half an hour, and eat eve-erything.

When life give you lemons... you probably just found lemons.

Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . .

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.