Latest stand-up videos
Best short quotes
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.
He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s.. because you are going to die alone.
