Best short quotes

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

When life gets you down, make a comforter.

Nostalgia is heroin for old people.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.