Best short quotes

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

Ain't noone ever overdosed on weed. You might think that nigga is dead, but he ain't dead. He's gonna wake up in half an hour, and eat eve-erything.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.