Best short quotes

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

What do you call a blonde with brains. A labrador.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.