Best short quotes

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

I am so pro-swine flu -- I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.