Best short quotes

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.