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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"
For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.
My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.
The Devil: Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.
Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherf***ers, it'll be your last headache.
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"