Best short quotes

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I… don’t.

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.