Best short quotes

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.