Best short quotes

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

“No comment” is a comment.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you -- I hope she meets somebody nice.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.