Best short quotes

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.

Nostalgia is heroin for old people.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.