Best short quotes

I’m circumcised ‘cause I don’t cum from the hood.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.