Best short quotes

God old people on coaches! F*ck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

That's the perfect microcosm for men and women: it takes a million sperm to find one egg 'cause they're all males and not one of them is gonna pull over and ask directions.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go "ugh...."

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high fucking hobbits in a pimps outift!

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.