Best short quotes

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.