Best short quotes

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.