Best short quotes

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

Give me the bottle, I’ll chug two thirds, ‘cause you bitches know fractions speak louder than words.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.