Best short quotes

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy.

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.