Best short quotes

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.