Best short quotes

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.

Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.