Best short quotes

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.

If you’re a girl, and dont give blowjobs, go ahead and curl up with your cats and your twilight dvd’s.. because you are going to die alone.

[To a whore] Blackadder: Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the [butt]. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.