Best short quotes

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.