Best short quotes

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said ' you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.