Best short quotes

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Its too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.