Best short quotes

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'

?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.