Best short quotes

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." Fuck that! Get well *now*!

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, ā€œIā€™m getting too old for this shit.ā€

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.