Best short quotes

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

How the hell do you wake up dead?

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.

I think pimp, therefore I am.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.