Best short quotes

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good -- stop.'

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.