Best short quotes

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.

So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?