Best short quotes

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s b*ll*cks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven.. Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.