Best short quotes

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, "My dad can beat up your dad." I'd say, "Yeah? When?"

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy] I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.