Best short quotes

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

You could be a genius -- you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It's always like, 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.