Best short quotes

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

Don't give advice. It will come back and bite you in the [butt]. Don't take anyone's advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"

If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

People are always like, “Oh, she’s such a bitch.” I’m like, “Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.”

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.