Latest stand-up videos
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
