Best short quotes

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."

I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can't even walk straight.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."