Best short quotes

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

Just what is the handicapped parking situation at the Special Olympics? Is it still just the two spaces?

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.

My girlfriend is so ugly, two guys broke into her apartment. She yelled "Rape!" They yelled "NO!"

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.