Best short quotes

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

God help me. I'm so tired. I need my sleep. I make no bones about it. I need eight hours a day, and at least ten at night. . .

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.