Best short quotes

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

How do people shit on themselves when they are sleeping? That's some nasty shit....like what kinda sick dream were you having that caused that.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.