Best short quotes

Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her -- because the kid can tell.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

“No comment” is a comment.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.