Best short quotes

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

"It's a wonderful day when white people black people and Hispanics all come together, to pick on another minority"

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass...but you just pushed my jackass button.

A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

Don't have sex, men. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.