Best short quotes

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

First I asked her what time it is, right? Tomorrow I get to ask her the date, the day after that she's all over me. That's how it works, you play it slow.

Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.

You're angry at breakfast nigga? you gangbangin' on bacon!?