Best short quotes

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.