Best short quotes

What do atheists scream when they come?"

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.