Best short quotes

I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.

I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.

Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

But, you know, you can't be a star at home.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.