Best short quotes

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.

Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I love playing ego and insecurity combined.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.