Best short quotes

Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

You missed a crazy party dude. I woke up with glitter on my dick!

And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.

I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.