Best short quotes

You're angry at breakfast nigga? you gangbangin' on bacon!?

Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.

I am so pro-swine flu -- I want it. We need a plague. It's got to happen; don't be afraid. It's only going to kill the weak.

The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

How the hell do you wake up dead?

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy."

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.