Best short quotes

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.