Best short quotes

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.