Best short quotes

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

I'm Rick James, bitch.

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.