Best short quotes

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.