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The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.
Wow. ... That's a good question. ... Is `I don't know' an acceptable answer?
My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam -- uh, don't kiss guys.'
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.