Best short quotes

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.