Best short quotes

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

If you ain't got no job and you ain't smokin no weed, I dont know what the fuck you are doing with yo life.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.