Best short quotes

My iPod holds 3,000 albums. I own, like, 90 albums. My iPod sits at home, sullen, frustrated, and underused, like a wife who gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shite.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I'm not addicted to coke, i just love the way it smells

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

The Devil: Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If had read your bible, you might have seen it was damnation WITHOUT relief.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.