Best short quotes

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.

[about trampolines] I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to bounce.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.