Best short quotes

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card – "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.