Best short quotes

Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man -- the hooker gave the money back.'

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.