Best short quotes

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? Guy in Audence - He's my brother. Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"

I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.