Best short quotes

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don’t care what grade you’re in. Be nice to people until you’re my age… and you have your own TV show.

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.