Best short quotes

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

The three ingredients of a successful union between two . . . humor, commitment & undying love.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

Its too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin’ around here.

My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.