Best short quotes

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah."

My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? "Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

Man can not live by bread alone ... he must have peanut butter.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?