Best short quotes

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I'm not addicted to coke, i just love the way it smells

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

Wow. ... That's a good question. ... Is `I don't know' an acceptable answer?

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.