Best short quotes

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?'

I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.