Best short quotes

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

If I want to act relaxed, it’s going to take all my cunning, skill and concentration.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.