Best short quotes

I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.

Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.