Best short quotes

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? "Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.

'Seriously folks, I didn't mean that. My grandfather died at Auschwitz' - crowd goes quiet - 'Very sad. He fell out of the machine gun tower'.

Dick's and vagina's are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.

[after drunkenly getting his ear pierced] I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And [my wife] goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Stupid National Anthem....Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.