Best short quotes

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word "nigga", I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of "coon".

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.

Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a f*ckin' bitch all the time.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.