Best short quotes

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? "Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.

Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.