Best short quotes

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday" on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

Yeah how bad can it be? Some people have it worse than me I could be a child prostitute Or Gary Glitter’s family

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.