Comedian Demetri Martin
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The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out...and yes I'm very ticklish'.