Funny Demetri Martin quotes

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, 'was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.' "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday" on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers."

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh? What the hell is this?" but if it's in a fruit basket you're like, "This is nice!"

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? "Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says "Hey, let's never hang out."

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "Dude, make a left." "Those are trees. Trust me."