Most offensive quotes

A list of most offensive quotes selected by our users. Content may not be appropriate for most people.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? Guy in Audence - He's my brother. Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said "Happy Birthday" on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote "Jesus" on it.

Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I think the English are bipolar. ‘We’re the greatest, no we’re terrible’ – that’s a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there’s little poverty – yet it’s always the worst time to have lived here.

The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"

But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"