Funny Demetri Martin quotes

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.

If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type "lol". I type "lqtm": "laugh quietly to myself". It's more honest.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, "Futon World." Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, "Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money."

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said "Guess".

I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, "Does he bite?" and she said, "No." And I said, "So how does he eat?" Liar!

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're going to be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just want to thank Kevin, Turtle, and all my homies.

I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I though, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool is all about leather sleeves.'

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such... a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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