Funny Demetri Martin quotes

I think vest are all about protection. You know what I man? Like a life-vest protects you from drowning and a bullet-proof vest protects you from getting shot and the sweater-vest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'

I like the beach. I like to get there real early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word 'ladies' to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. 'Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?' The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. 'I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?"

Graffiti... I don't like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like "Oh, that's how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn't have known if I had not walked by there, thank you." Graffiti's the most passionate literature there is, you know? It's always like "Bush sucks!", U2 Rocks!". I want to make indifferent graffiti. "Toy Story 2 was okay!" "I like Sheryl as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further.", "This is a bridge!", "That guy's right!"

I heard this lady say "I love kids." That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying "I like people, for a little while." "How old are you? 14? Fuck off!" You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get into trouble. "I love twelve-year olds."

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B...ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out...and yes I'm very ticklish'.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'

I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

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