Top funny quotes
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I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like 'Y the hell did I date you?!'
Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night
The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?'
I see a Latino comic as someone who can only perform for Latino audiences, ... I cross the board.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
When I walk around, sometimes people recognize me from things they've seen me in, TV or whatever. And they'd say, you know, stuff, and a lot of times, I wouldn't hear what they'd said because I had headphones on. So, I kinda just go, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And I'd just keep walking. And this one guy said something to me one time, and I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show.' And then right when I walked past him, I realized, 'Oh, man, that guy didn't say anything about the show.' He went, 'Hey, man, your fly's down.' And I went, 'Cool, man. Glad you like the show. Glad you like seeing my d*ck pop out of my pants. Come back next week, you can see one of my balls.'
Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, "FUCK YOU! Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans … fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy."
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
If you ain't got no job and you ain't smokin no weed, I dont know what the fuck you are doing with yo life.
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.
Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.