Funny quotes about tan
Woody Allen quotesMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
Stewart Lee quotesI may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.
Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
Mike Birbiglia quotesI performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don’t know who you are, which is why they kill you.
Emo Phillips quotesAt my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Patton Oswalt quotes90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.
Jim Gaffigan quotesFor me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.
I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"
