Funny Mitch Hedberg quotes
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs...sorry for the convenience.'"
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
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