Funny Doug Stanhope quotes

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Oh look, she smiled at me!' It's because you sh*t your pants.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby -- go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.