Funny Steven Wright quotes
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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