Funny Steven Wright quotes

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start...

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

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