Comedian Steven Wright

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.