Funny Whitney Cummings quotes

The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?'

My dad, growing up, called me Princess. He drilled it in my head as a kid that I'm a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don't lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.

The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.

Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, 'Here's what's waiting for you at home, big boy.' If I was to do a 'here's what's waiting for you at home' photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vagina's not waiting for you at home at all.

Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.

If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day.

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.