Funny quotes about jesus
Bo Burnham quotesI’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
John Oliver quotesThis pope was born on the 16th of April, making him an Aries, compatible with both Sagittarius and Leo. But, of course, Jesus was famously a Capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with Jesus. Not my findings, the findings of science. Don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.
Sam Kinison quotesJesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the f*** out of everybody!
I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"
Andy Rooney quotesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Billy Connolly quotes
Anthony Jeselnik quotesWho do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
Christian Finnegan quotesJesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.
