Funny Billy Connolly quotes

A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

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