Funny Anthony Jeselnik quotes

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.

Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black — that way, when I found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a let down.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me.

My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed — if she’s ever going to be good at golf.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself — which is a nice thing to do — but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don’t even care, ’cause now I have to call up my mother and say ‘Mom, I am so sorry — that picture was just for dad.’