Funny Zach Galifianakis quotes

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.