Funny Zach Galifianakis quotes

I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.

I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".

Hookers don't like to snuggle.