Funny Jim Gaffigan quotes

Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.

I come from a very big family... nine parents.

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"

"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."

"You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither."

"My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'"

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."