Funny Emo Phillips quotes
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
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