Funny Rita Rudner quotes

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."