Comedian Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.