Funny Todd Barry quotes

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

Buddha, much like everyone else has good and bad days.

I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value.

I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.

I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal fuck?

I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.

I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.

I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.

I'd rather send out a mass email then hang posters all over the place.

I do not like sports, unless you consider treating all humankind with love and respect a sport.

I got access to a private tour of the zoo. I got to go in a cage with a koala, which I highly recommend.

That guy who manages the vegetarian restaurant got a pretty severe haircut.

The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25. -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house

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