Funny Rita Rudner quotes

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!”

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."

I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

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