Funny Frank Carson quotes

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" "He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.