Funny Russell Howard quotes

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade

I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them.

Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’

If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.

The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'

What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!