Funny Frank Carson quotes

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.