Funny Frank Carson quotes

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."