Funny Jim Norton quotes

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.

I don't pull out's not my problem.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

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