Funny Jimmy Carr quotes
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
Jimmy - How olds your boyfriend? Guy in Audence - He's my brother. Jimmy - Well stop fucking him!
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).
Do you know any other Jimmy Carr quotes?
Help us to expand our database and send best quotes from Jimmy Carr you know by using the form below. No quotes? No worries! You can share any bit of funny information, piece of trivia too or tell a story about this comedian here too!