Funny Bernie Mac quotes

Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.

Whatever you hear at the barber shop, stays at the barber shop.

You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.

I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word 'mother-fucker?'" Let me break it down, what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is a word that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because "mother-fucker" is a noun: It describes a person, place or thing.

When white people go on break at their job. 15 minutes. They go to their desk. They eat their cheese sandwich. Drink their God damn tea. 15 minutes they’re back on the fucking job. My people I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with us. But when we go on break, that’s just what the fuck we do…. we break. You got to look for our motherfucking ass. “You seen Johnny?”

Son of bitch kids too God damn smart for me. Sassy-talking, shaking heads and shit. “Talk to the hand. Talk to the hand.” See, I’m from the old school, I’ll kick a kid ass. When a kid gets one years old, I believe you have the right to hit them in the throat or the stomach. if you’re grown enough to talk back, you’re grown up enough to get fucked up.

I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!

If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck!

Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.

You got Dracula - a wooden stake; Wolfman - a silver bullet. But little boys, a belt. But I've been stripped of my weapons. Wait a minute. I don't need a belt.

I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...

[to dog] Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?

I came home at one o' clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin' upstairs, he walkin' downstairs. He gon' walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... [imitates his nephew's blank stare]. I said, "where you goin?" [as his nephew, in a stereotypically gay voice] "To get some milk an' cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" [as his nephew] "Some milk an' cooooooookies!!'".