Funny Ellen DeGeneres quotes

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not

Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.

Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, ''Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.''

I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.

When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.

Our attention span is short. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.

All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"

[about breath strips] Can we not suck anymore?

Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!