Funny Milton Jones quotes

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

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