Comedian Hannibal Buress

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.