Funny Hannibal Buress quotes

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I'd like to get more bit-acting roles. I don't know if my talent would allow for a long dialogue, but I could definitely knock out three lines. I'd kill it.

In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

People like to compare something to something that they know. Even with Chris Rock, they say he's like Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy.

Don’t thank the lord, I gave you that compliment… Thank me.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Come to your place at 5 in the monrning, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without fucking like it’s cool. That’s a passive burglary.

I live in New York where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. Try to talk about regular stuff like music and politics? Nah dude if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos and that’s it. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes then you hop on your unicycle and juggle you carnival-faced motherfucker.

‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.

I’m a dumb guy. My point of view is limited.

?I don’t think Al Sharpton will be president of anything, except for The Association of Greasy Mother Fuckers. Zing, Al Sharpton. Don’t fuck with me.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.

Rap videos confuse me cause they have to be continued at the end but the never make a sequel. Where’s the second video? there’s so much suspense! I need to know are they goin keep pourin champagne on these bitches? What’s going to happen to that guy’s rims? Are they big enough for him?

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

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