Comedian Bob Saget

Norm is such a horrible gambler, he bet Jon Lovitz would be funny tonight.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. [ looks around] I'm fucked.

Fuck you all and suck my hundred million dollar cock!

Marijuana is not a drug!!! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck DICK for marijuana?