Comedian Tim Allen

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.

Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary, like those English-French ones.

Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.