Funny Zach Galifianakis quotes

One of his favorite racist jokes he can't tell anymore, because too many people didn't get it. It starts with him confessing that he's used the term "sand n****r," then adding that he's never said it about someone from the Middle East. "When I use it," he says, "it's 'Get off the sand, n****r, volleyball is a white man's game!'" -

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.

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