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Woody Allen quotes
86 funny quotes, stand-up comedy jokes, sayings and citations by comedian Woody Allen.
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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
