Funny Woody Allen quotes

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.