Funny Woody Allen quotes

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.