Funny Woody Allen quotes

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.