Funny Tommy Cooper quotes

"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

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