Funny Tim Vine quotes

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I'm against hunting. I'm actually a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'