Funny Tim Allen quotes

There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.

When I walk into that (Sears) Craftsman tool department, my nipples get rock-hard!

Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in — six kids, five of them boys — and that's heroic.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

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