Funny Tim Allen quotes

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.

Someone should come out with a man-woman dictionary, like those English-French ones.