Funny Ted Alexandro quotes

People are evacuating every day, right? Evacuating used to be a big deal. Now, it's like jury duty. Like, 'Great, gotta evacuate. You gonna go?' 'Nah, I'll see if I can get out of it.'

I would think the squad car cop is to the cop on a bike as the sketch artist is to the etch-a-sketch artist.

I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.

I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

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