Funny Steven Wright quotes

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.