Funny Steven Wright quotes

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I lost a button hole.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.